Swank-ified

Ken AshfordRight Wing Punditry/IdiocyLeave a Comment

Swank Oh, how I love the columns of the Rev. Grant Swank. 

What will God do with Rick Warren's inaugural invocation?

Isn't that the real question?

Um, not really.  But if you need a premise for a column, I'll let you run with it.

What will God do with the prayer offered by pro-life Rick Warren, pastor?

You talking to me?  I'm not a pastor, but I appreciate the gesture….

Warren has been picked by B. Hussein Obama to deliver the inaugural invocation.

Grant Swank wants y'all to know Obama's middle name is Hussein.  In case you weren't aware yet.

Liberals are in a snit.

I would characterize it more as a tizzy…..

Who cares what liberals or conservatives think about a prayer offered to the eternal throne of the Almighty God?

Not me.

What should concern us as a nation is what will the Creator God think of the words presented him in January?

I am not sure that is a question?

Will the words matter?

Will the position of the heart of the pray-er matter?

Will heaven make any changes regarding this country because of that invocation?

Will a pro-life, pro-family, pro-marriage God decide to listen to the prayer, let alone act upon it?

And….[insert dramatic organ chord]… what about Naomi?

All this fuss about the mortal speaking the prayer at the podium.

Obama tried to get a deity to speak, but the fees were just too high.

Well, if it were a Muslim, we all should be quite concerned. Allah is not the deity of America's Judeo-Christian heritage.

Right.  Can't have that.

If it were an atheist offering a "prayer," we should likewise be most concerned.

Right.  Can't have that.

And if it were a Unitarian-Universalist, likewise. Most of them are atheists who belong to a Society that has stated it does not want to be included within Christendom, hence its official name not including the word "Church."

Right.  Um, whatever.

But with California minister Warren standing there in the freezing cold of Washington winter, what should concern the genuine believers of this continent is what the divine response will be.

…when Warren goes "brrrrrrrrr"?

Further, what will the divine response be to the left-of-left B. Hussein's reign from the White House? And what will be the Lord's action following a theologically liberal-stacked US Congress?

Send a hurricane to wipe out New Orleans maybe?

I have a feeling that no matter what Warren says or does not say, the Almighty is going to have His act together.

He's got new material, a better back-up band, and an adaptable set that will play well in arena theatres as well as smaller venues.

And only the genuine believers can wait with faith and patience to witness the unfolding of the divine reactions to much that has gone on in this nation lately.

And we'll have Pastor Swank to point them out as they come along.  "You see that tornado wiping out that Kansas town?  That was because of B. Hussein's decision to keep gays in the military."

God is not circumscribed by Warren or any other human being. Mortals write the minor lines. Deity writes the major lines. That's why history is finally His-story. Check the biblical record for the substantiation of that premise.

Couldn't find it, but my googling skills are perhaps sub-par.

Anyhow, the media is up to its usual frantic over Rick Warren this and Rick Warren that, B. Hussein's constituents' mad responses to a Warren talking to the Lord God in public, the homosexuals especially having a fit over the whole scene.

And linguists are now having a fit over your decription of the scene.

That said, I think the controversy is not about Warren (a mortal) talking to God, but about Obama's selection of a homophobe to speak at the inauguration.

Interesting, isn't it, how the liberal media can get so caught up in what is totally insignificant.

Right.  More Sarah Palin stories please!

Genuine believers know that mad media has no clue as to how to focus in on what is reality importance when it comes to God and Earth, Creator and America, our past and our future.

Right.  Like the lede article at World News Daily — Chuck Norris weighs in on "Jesus jacking".

LBJ Was So Classy

Ken AshfordHistoryLeave a Comment

From an actual audiotape, August 9, 1964.  President Johnson is ordering pants from Joe Haggar:

Operator: Go ahead sir

LBJ: Mr. Haggar?

JH: Yes this is Joe Haggar

LBJ: Joe, is your father the one that makes clothes?

JH: Yes sir – we're all together

LBJ: Uh huh. You all made me some real lightweight slacks, uh, that he just made up on his own and sent to me 3 or 4 months ago. There's a light brown and a light green, a rather soft green, a soft brown.

JH: Yes sir

LBJ: and they're real lightweight now and I need about six pairs for summer wear.

JH: yes sir

LBJ: I want a couple, maybe three of the light brown kind of a almost powder color like a powder on a ladies face. Then they were some green and some light pair, if you had a blue in that or a black, then I'd have one blue and one black. I need about six pairs to wear around in the evening when I come in from work

JH: yes sir

LBJ: I need…they're about a half a inch too tight in the waist.

JH: Do you recall sir the exact size, I just want to make sure we get them right for you

LBJ: No, I don't know – you all just guessed at 'em I think, some – wouldn't you the measurement there?

JH: we can find it for you

LBJ: well I can send you a pair. I want them half a inch larger in the waist than they were before except I want two or three inches of stuff left back in there so I can take them up. I vary ten or 15 pounds a month.

JH: alright sir

LBJ: So leave me at least two and a half, three inches in the back where I can let them out or take them up. And make these a half an inch bigger in the waist. And make the pockets at least an inch longer, my money, my knife, everything falls out – wait just a minute.

Operator: Would you hold on a minute please?

[conversation on hold for two minutes]

LBJ: Now the pockets, when you sit down, everything falls out, your money, your knife, everything, so I need at least another inch in the pockets. And another thing – the crotch, down where your nuts hang – is always a little too tight, so when you make them up, give me an inch that I can let out there, uh because they cut me, it's just like riding a wire fence. These are almost, these are the best I've had anywhere in the United States,

JH: Fine

LBJ: But, uh when I gain a little weight they cut me under there. So, leave me , you never do have much of margin there. See if you can't leave me an inch from where the zipper (burps) ends, round, under my, back to my bunghole, so I can let it out there if I need to.

JH: Right

LBJ: Now be sure you have the best zippers in them. These are good that I have. If you get those to me I would sure be grateful

JH: Fine, Now where would you like them sent please?

LBJ: White House.

JH: Fine

It's the "(burps)" that makes it comedy gold.

Stuff To Think About

Ken AshfordRandom Musings1 Comment

Why don't humans have a mating season?

Why do the women gymnasts walk around between events with that goofy arm-swing gait?

Why are pandas' names doubled? Ling Ling, Tuan Tuan, Yuan Yuan….

Is it just me, or do all national anthems the world over, no matter how rich and exotic the culture, seem to sound like European marching-band music? Wouldn't one expect China's national anthem be more "plinky"? Shouldn't Iraq's national anthem sound a little more "Arab-y"?

Why do cockroaches flip over on their backsides when they die?

And the most perplexing, in my view….

Who made up the rule that if you wore a shirt all day, went home, and washed it, you can't wear it the next day?

[Source]

Short Answers To Simple Questions

Ken AshfordSex/Morality/Family Values2 Comments

A friend writes:

I have made a new observation while in Target this afternoon. Is it just me, or do people no longer have a spacial awareness of other people?  I was staring at the DVD wall and, no joke, four people not only crossed in front of me without pardoning themselves, but they stopped and stood directly in front of me. Um, really?

No, it's not you.

Dumb Analogy Department: Caroline v. Sarah

Ken AshfordCongressLeave a Comment

I'm reading this sentiment a lot these past few days:

In fact, Sarah Palin was more qualified to be vice-president than Caroline Kennedy is to be a Senator.

Well, duh!  Seriously, the only qualification to being vice-president is to have a pulse.  (The stickier issue, and one that dogged Sarah Palin, is that the vice-president could conceivably become president, and for that, Sarah Palin was less qualified than me).

But the notion that Ms. Palin is even in the same league as Ms. Kennedy is a joke.  Just do a thought experiment.  Put the two of them onstage side-by-side discussing matters of policy.  On any political subject; your choice.  You know Sarah would do?  Winky-winky and talk all folksy about how they do things in Wasilla, you betcha. 

Kennedy, on the other hand, would actually speak to the issues.  She's intelligent and coherent.  What's more, I think Kennedy would (unlike Palin) be able to articulate the specific things she wants to do in public office.

Is Kennedy inexperienced as an elected representative?  Sure.  But so was her Uncle Bobby and Hillary Clinton, both of whom occupied that same Senate seat.

I’m Beginning To Think Of Alaska As Just One Large Trailer Park

Ken AshfordElection 2008Leave a Comment

Thank you, Sarah Palin, for educating me.

You all remember Levi Johnston?  The baby-daddy to Sarah Palin's pregnant teenage daughter?  [UPDATE:  The baby is due tomorrow, and the announced wedding strangely hasn't happened yet]. 

Well, Levi's mom is having some legal troubles:

A 42-year-old Wasilla woman was arrested Thursday at her home by Alaska State Troopers with a search warrant in an undercover drug investigation. Sherry L. Johnston was charged with six felony counts of misconduct involving a controlled substance.

Johnston is the mother of Levi Johnston, the Wasilla 18-year-old who received international attention in September when Gov. Sarah Palin and her husband, Todd, announced their teenage daughter was pregnant and he was the father. Bristol Palin, 18, is due on Saturday, according to a recent interview with the governor's father, Chuck Heath.

Troopers served the warrant at Johnston's home at the "conclusion of an undercover narcotics investigation," said a statement issued Thursday by the troopers as part of the normal daily summary of activity around the state.

Troopers charged Johnston with second-degree misconduct involving a controlled substance — generally manufacturing or delivering drugs — as well as fourth-degree misconduct involving controlled substances, or possession.

I think the extended Palin family is due for a booking on Jerry Springer.

Minnesota Senate Seat Still Ridiculously Close

Ken AshfordCongress, Election 2008Leave a Comment

Norm Coleman's lead over Al Franken melted away during the Board of Canvassers' deliberations on Coleman-challenged ballots yesterday. According to the Star Tribune, it is down to five votes. According to the AP, it is down to two.

UPDATE:  Now we're hearing that Franken is, for the first time, ahead.  The Minnesota Star-Ledger has a real-time running (re)count.  As of 11:38 a.m., Franken is up by 166 votes.

About this data Coleman Franken Other/rejected
Challenged ballots awarded by board 262 616 230
Current vote count including awarded ballots 1,209,197 1,209,363

UPDATE:  Oh, look, a real-time widget:

Why Do We Celebrate Christmas on December 25th?

Ken AshfordWar On ChristmasLeave a Comment

The Bible doesn't mention the birth date of Jesus.  It probably wasn't in winter, because shepherds would not be tending their flocks in wintertime.

The simple reason we celebrate it on December 25th is because, in the 4th century, Pope Julius 1, said so.  Christianity had become the official religion of Rome, and he declared that the birth of Jesus should be a holiday.

Okay.  But why the 25th?  Well, Julius was no dummy.  There were already festive celebrations during that time all around the world – celebrations of the winter solstice by pagens.  In Scandanavian countries, for example, the pagen holiday was known as "Yule" during which a log was burned from the 21st until the new year.

So, Julius basically usurped the already-existing pagen holiday.  No other reason.  The choice of date certainly had nothing to do with Christ's birth.  Instead, it was a calculated attempt to change the nature of already-existing celebrations.

Over the course of several centuries, the choice of date finally paid off, and by the Middle Ages, this time of year was known more for its Christmas celebrations, rather than pagen celebrations.

Christmas trees didn't come onto the scene until the 16th century (a German custom which caught on), and Santa Claus didn't arrive until the late 1700's-early 1800's (originating from the Dutch's Sinter Klaas).  Rudoph, of course, was non-existent until 1939.

So remember, Christmas celebration has its roots in pagen festivities having nothing to do with Christ's birth. 

Just my little contribution to the War on Christmas.

You're welcome.

RIP Majel Barrett Roddenberry

Ken AshfordIn PassingLeave a Comment

Majel2big Better known as Nurse Chapel in the original Star Trek, the mother of Troi in Star Trek – The Next Generation, the voice of virtually all the computers in all of the Star Trek iterations (including the soon-to-be-released film), and the wife of Star Trek creator Gene Roddenberry.

All of which earned her the moniker "The First Lady of Star Trek"

She passed away in her sleep yesterday morning.

A Legal Analysis Of “It’s A Wonderful Life”

Ken AshfordPopular CultureLeave a Comment

The Case of The Missing Deposit:

Unclebilly What about that banking issue? When he returns to the “real” Bedford Falls, George is saved by his friends, who open their wallets to cover an $8,000 shortfall at his savings and loan brought about when the evil Mr. Potter snatched a deposit mislaid by George’s idiot uncle, Billy (Thomas Mitchell).

But isn’t George still liable for the missing funds, even if he has made restitution? I mean, if someone robs a bank, and then gives the money back, that person still robbed the bank, right?

I checked my theory with Frank J. Clark, the district attorney for Erie County upstate, where, as far as I can tell, the fictional Bedford Falls is set. He thought it over, and then agreed: George would still face prosecution and possible prison time.

“In terms of the theft, sure, you take the money and put it back, you still committed the larceny,” he said. “By giving the money back, you have mitigated in large measure what the sentence might be, but you are still technically guilty of the offense.”

He took this a bit further: “If you steal over $3,000, it’s a D felony; 2 ½ to 7 years is the maximum term for that. The least you can get is probation. You know Jimmy Stewart, though, he had that hangdog face. He’d be a tough guy to send to jail.”

Wait a second.  With all due respect to the District Attorney for Erie County, Jimmy Stewart/George Bailey didn't steal anything.  The Bailey Building and Loan, through one of its employees (Uncle Billy), lost the $8,000 bank deposit.  Losing money isn't a crime. 

I suppose their argument is that the criminal charge of theft could still be pinned on Stewart, even though we (the audience) know he is innocent and the money was merely lost.  

But again, they're wrong.  First of all, it wouldn't be "theft", it would be "embezzlement" (that's when you steal from your own company).

And secondly, what evidence would there be that George embezzled the funds?  Certainly, the doddering Uncle Billy would testify that he lost the money (and there are witnesses, like the bank teller, who will back that up).  And where did that money go?  Where did George spend it?  Any evidence?  Certainly George didn't put it into refurbishing the house; the banister knob won't even stay on.  So it's a thin case. 

Bottom line: Any indictment against George just wouldn't stick.  A judge would throw it out before it even gets to trial.

Now, as a fiduciary overseer of the Bailey Buliding and Loan, George may be liable for a civil suit brought by the B&L depositors, investors and shareholders, even if the "fault" for the monetary loss was Uncle Billy's.  But that issue was laid to rest when the whole town ponied up and replaced the "missing" money.  Put simply, the depositors were "made whole" and suffered no loss.

I'll tell you who is potentially screwed criminally, and that's Potter.  Potter stole the money.  Yeah, Uncle Billy mislaid it, but Potter discovered it (within mere seconds after it was mislaid) and Potter knew what it was.  And rather than return it, he kept it. 

You remember the sequence: Uncle Billy goes into the bank with the envelope containing the deposit.  He sees Potter.  He takes Potter's newspaper and reads the headline which boasts about Harry Bailey being a war hero (tweaking Potter a little bit).  He returns the newspaper to Potter and walks away to the bank teller.  Potter opens the newspaper and discovers that Uncle Billy inadvertently gave him the envelope (containing the deposit money) with the newspaper.  And Potter, ever scheming, says nothing.  Does nothing.  And keeps the money. 

Sorry, but that's theft.

Which makes the SNL "alternate ending" very befitting:

(fade in to clips from the film of the famous "You are now entering Bedford Falls" sign, as well as the equally famous shots of the Christmas-lit streets of Bedford Falls. Cut to the Bailey home, where the good citizens have convened to rally behind their neighbor George Bailey in his time of need. As we fade in, we see Ernie emptying a basket full of cash onto the table as George and his family look on in awe.)

Mary Bailey: They've been coming all evening. They didn't ask any questions – all they said was, "if George Bailey needs help, we're here to help him!"

George Bailey: (holding Zsu-Zsu in his arms) Wh-wh-why Mary–I never realized I had so many friends! A-a man wh-who has a friend is a rich man, that's what Clarence said, and by golly he was right!

Dave: I wouldn't have a roof over my head if it wasn't for you, George!

George Bailey: Thanks, Dave! Thank you!

(George's brother Harry Bailey, dressed in his airline pilot's uniform, makes his way through the crowd)

Harry Bailey: 'Scuze me! Pardon me–Hello George, how are you?

George Bailey: Harry! Welcome home, Harry!

Harry Bailey: Thanks, Merry Christmas, George! (to the crowd) Now wait a minute, everybody! I got a telegram here I wanna read–from London! (reads) "Dear George. Stop. Mr Gower cables you need cash. Stop. My office instructed to advance you up to $8000. Stop. (crowd reacts) Hee-haw and Merry Christmas! Sam Wainwright"!!!

(crowd cheers and everyone breaks into a joyous rendition of "Hark the Herald Angels Sing".)

Crowd: (singing)
"Hark! the herald angels sing
Glory to the new-born King
Peace on earth and mercy…."

(Uncle Billy is heard offstage, screaming–"George! George!", before finally bursting into the room. He has a string tied around his finger)

Uncle Billy: Quiet everyone! I remembered! I remembered what I did with the money–the $8000!

George Bailey: Why that's great, Uncle Billy! What did you do with it?

Uncle Billy: (frantic) I was in the bank–I had it in a newspaper–I remember giving it to someone!

George Bailey: Well, who? Who'd you give it to?

Uncle Billy: No, wait! I just called Clarence at the bank. He told me that Old man Potter deposited $8000 right after I left! IT WAS HIM!!!

(crowd is outraged)

George Bailey: Well–what're we waitin' for? Let's go get him!

Crowd: Yeah!!!

(background music changes from bright and Christmas-y to dark and ominous, as the bloodthirsty citizens of Bedford Falls make thier way to Potter's office.)

(cut to Potter's office. Potter looks out his window to see the baseball bat and crowbar-wielding mob arriving at his door–which they proceed to batter to pieces with thier weapons. An angry George appears in the doorway)

Mr. Potter: Stay where you are, George Bailey, you're in enough trouble already…

George Bailey: You made one mistake, Mr. Potter: you double-crossed me and you left me alive!

Mr. Potter: Now, wait just a second–I'll give you the money back!

George Bailey: I don't want the money–I want a piece of you, Potter! (tips Potter's wheelchair over, spilling him onto the floor. George then begins kicking him ferociously) You think the whole world revolves around you and your money–well it doesn't, Mr. Potter! In the whole vast configuration of things, you're nothing but a scurvy little spider!

(The mob gasps in amazement as Potter pulls himself off the floor and onto his feet)

George Bailey: Why, you're nothing but a fraud! You're not even a cripple!

Mr. Potter: Now wait a second–I can explain this!

George Bailey: Harry! Mary! Hold him for me!

(Harry and Mary comply, each grabbing an arm as George pounds Potter repeatedly in the gut. A final punch to the jaw sends Potter sailing over his desk. George goes to the back of the desk and drags "Potter"–now a stuffed dummy–back around for more punishment).

George Bailey: I'm not through with you, Potter! Harry–Mary–have a piece of this!

Mary Bailey: Yeah, baby–you know it!

(she pounces on "Potter", punching him in the head and body. Harry gets a few kicks in. George does a WWF-style, elbow-drop onto the hapless "Potter". He then picks him up and throws him against a wall. Mary, Harry, and George each grab crowbars and/or 2x4s and proceed to bludgeon "Potter", as Uncle Billy leads the mob in a few bars of "Auld Lang Syne":)

Mob: (singing)
"Should old acquaintence be forgot
And never brought to mind
should old acquaintence be forgot
and days of auld lang syne!"

(Harry, Mary, and George continue to beat "Potter" to a pulp, as the movie fades out, and "The End" card from the movie flashes on the screen.)

So the idea that Jimmy Stewart/George Bailey would have faced "gotten 2-1/2 to 7 years" is just plain wrong.  And even if the townspeople hadn't come forth with the missing money, Bailey would have just gotten a no-strings-attached government bailout.  I mean, isn't that what you do – in the real world – when your financial institution is undermarginalized and contains toxic assets?

I will agree with one thing in the article: the alternate-universe Pottersville looked like a hell of a lot more fun than dreary Bedford Falls, and one wonders why Jimmy Stewart, who longed for the bright lights his whole life, didn't warm up to it.

Looks Like “Pal Joey” Isn’t Going To Save Broadway Either

Ken AshfordTheatreLeave a Comment

And I had high hopes.  But when the New York Times review says something like this:

When Ms. [Stockard] Channing, as the alcoholic society matron Vera Simpson, sings the show’s most famous song, “Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered,” it might as well be titled “Benumbed, Bummed Out and Bored Silly.”

***

I’m assuming the numbness in this “Pal Joey” is deliberate, that [Director Joe] Mantello wants to show down-and-outers who, at the end of their tether, are too tired to care or to try. But watching the cast go through its motions is like watching a “Marat/Sade” in which the asylum inmates have been pumped full of Thorazine.

Okay.  That's not good.

Dugger Family Now Has Two Baseball Teams

Ken AshfordSex/Morality/Family ValuesLeave a Comment

From this blog, on August 3, 2007:

I've blogged about them before, so regular readers of this site might be interested to know that the Dugger couple just welcomed the birth of their 17th kid — a daughter, named Jennifer.

Jennifer joins siblings Joshua, 19; John David, 17; Janna, 17; Jill, 16; Jessa, 14; Jinger, 13; Joseph, 12; Josiah, 11; Joy-Anna, 9; Jedidiah, 8; Jeremiah, 8; Jason 7; James 6; Justin, 4; Jackson, 3; Johannah, almost  2.

In the words of Groucho Marx: "I love my cigar, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.”

Well, I guess you can figure out what I'm about to write.

Yes, Mrs. Diggins just had their 18th kid.

18duggar 

Her name is Jordyn-Grace Makiya, keeping with the J-naming tradition.

This gives me an excuse to repost this popular Internet poster, featuring the Duggin family:

249270409_664e6841fa

Top Ten Astronomy Pictures of 2008

Ken AshfordScience & TechnologyLeave a Comment

Amazing photos, especially when you read the entertaining words that accompany (and explain) them.

6-kablam-web 

Above are two pictures of gamma-ray bursts which are, essentially, stars collapsing and creating an explosion.

But not just your run-of-the-mill explosion.  Mega-huge explosions.  Even though these explosions lasted mere seconds, each one puts out more energy in their explosions in those few seconds than the entire output of our Sun since the history of time.

And the gamma burst on the right?  That's 12.8 billion light years away.  That means that the explosion in the photograph actually happened 12.8 billion years ago — before the formation of Earth, before the formation of our Sun, before the formation of our galaxy.  The light is only now reaching us.

And although I've posted this before, here's my favorite astronomy "picture" of 2008.  Throughout the history of mankind, we've seen the Moon go across the sky.  And the Sun go across the sky.  Occasionally, we see the Moon cross in front of the Sun (a solar eclipse), or we see the shadow of the Earth on the Moon (a lunar eclipse). 

But no man has have never seen an actual image of the Moon transversing the Earth.  Until last month, when we received these images from a deep space probe:

Kewl.