I've combined them…
- Quickly find shelter atop nearest roof, tree or pier.
- The best way to ensure a long-lasting marriage is to keep your individual needs out of it.
- Run through torrents of rain screaming, "I warned you all!" while clutching placards emblazoned with apocalyptic Bible verses.
- Treat your partner with respect. Don't hit him/her in front of relatives.
- A good relationship leaves room for outside interests. Be supportive of your spouse's rough-sex-with-the-mailman hobby.
- At first signs of hurricane weather, rush to Food Lion to stock up on 64-ounce containers of Ocean Spray Cranapple or Crangrape juice, just $2.79 when you present your Food Lion Supersaver card.
- Cranking out another child is a great way to bring you and your spouse closer together.
- No matter how bad hurricane gets, don't let Mr. Government Man make you leave your house.
- Never go to bed angry. Stay awake and scream at each other for 24 hours, 36 hours—however long it takes.
- Always speak to spouse in soothing, patronizing tones.
- Detonating homemade bombs fashioned from gasoline and manure is dangerous even in ideal weather conditions. Steer especially clear of such detonations throughout the duration of hurricane.
- Take out your marital problems on your young children.
- To minimize risk of hurricane damage, avoid building vacation home atop ocean.
- Communication is the key to a good marriage. Be sure your spouse knows every last little thing you hate about him/her.
- Tell your children firmly and clearly, "I'm so sorry that we're all going to die."
- Sit down with your spouse and work out a diet that will allow you to get big and fat together.
- To protect yourself from storm, build up your inner defense mechanisms by slowly retreating into state of deep denial.
- If your marriage is truly in jeopardy, stay in touch with your phone psychic at all times.
- Countless conflicts can be avoided by walking out on your family for years at a time.
- At the height of the storm's intensity, go at it with your spouse like there's no tomorrow. Not only is it the thrill of a lifetime, but the heightened reflexes caused by your enhanced physical state will better enable both of you to survive in the event of a sudden catastrophic, explosive decompression of your home.
- In a two-job household, both careers need to be considered, even if one is some silly little woman endeavor.
- Stay on top of situation by keeping tuned to Channel 8's SuperAtmoForecastTeam with live Doppler Radar.
- One common myth states that hitting is no way to solve a marital dispute, but studies show this is not always the case.
- Save urine in jars.
- If you sense that your marriage is growing stale, accept it and live out the remainder of your days in unfulfilled misery and despair.
- Whatever happens, remember: It's not your fault.