Well, according to Esquire, which is running an all-about-women issue this month, there are a thousand things I supposedly don't know about women.
I feel I might have to fact-check some of these. Here's one thing I do know — you probably can't lump all women into a generic category and say "women are ______". But that's not going to stop Esquire, I suppose.
Below the fold, there are 100 things I (supposedly) didn't know about women, as culled by The Best Article Every Day. Good reading for any woman, or any regular person who knows a woman.
No. 306: Don’t pretend we don’t tell you when something’s wrong. Come on now. Increased chocolate intake. Foot tapping. Crossed arms. Tears during a Hallmark commercial. We’ve said all we need to. Tell us we look even skinnier than usual. And then get us a glass of Sancerre. —Kirsten Hall, 35, New York
No. 79: We love to hear we are beautiful. Breaking it down into specifics is even better. —Christine Siltanen, 28, Portland, Oregon
No. 10: Anything but roses. Think about it. We’ve mentioned our favorite flower more than once. If you can’t remember, go with a lily. —Rhiannon Falzone, 25, Chicago
No. 512: We’re not always aware of our breasts. If we happen to brush up against you, we’re not necessarily coming on to you. Sometimes we are. But it’s not a given. —Nicole French, 37, Denver, Colorado
No. 87: Women can tell if you’re wearing clothes that were given to you by your mother. They all have that “I used to wear essentially the same shirt when I was eight” look. This isn’t awful if done occasionally, but when that’s your daily head-to-toe, it sends a questionable message. —Kimberly Ryan, 25, Tucson
No. 492: We don’t expect you to read our minds. We expect you to ask. —Kelly Viets, 20, Newport News, Virginia
No. 19: We remember if you told us you would call us tomorrow, so if you don’t mean tomorrow, say “soon.” No woman will ever hold it against you if you call when you say you will, and we always notice when you don’t. —Roxanna Elden, 30, Miami
No. 284: We want you to have your “guy time.” In fact, if you don’t have a great group of men to hang around, it’s a turn-off. —Whitney Webb, 22, Blacksburg, Virginia
No. 67: Women in their mid-thirties have to do everything for ourselves — drive our careers, pay the mortgage, fix broken appliances, assemble furniture. The only place we don’t have to do it ourselves is in the bedroom. For that one small slice of the day, we’ll actually give up control and let someone else own us. So, own us. —Suzanne Casamento, 28, Los Angeles
No. 413: Asking “are you ticklish” as an excuse to touch a woman for the first time is not appropriate past the age of 17. —Claire Serxner, 25, Houston
No. 706: Why do you spell “you” as “u” in a text? Spell it out. Is it really that hard? —Becky Ellis, 32, New York
No. 511: It freaks us out when you put a t-shirt on after sex but walk around without boxers. It’s not becoming. —Molly Rosen, 31, Writer, Chicago
No. 99: If you tell us you love us during sex, it will only confuse us. We won’t know whether the sentiment is genuine or blurted out in the heat of passion. If you mean it and want to tell us, wait until we’re fully clothed and you’re fully sober. —Devon Brooke Clasen, 31, Las Vegas
No. 184: You have our interest if you pick us up in a convertible. You have our hearts if there is a hair tie and/or brush in the car. —Beth Hurtubise, 26, Chicago
No. 73: Thongs are uncomfortable. —Ingrid Castillo, 22, Miami
No. 661: Never pinch the muffin-top. This is grounds for execution. —Catlin Moore, 24, Long Beach, California
No. 930: We only have two to three bras that we alternate. We tell you we just have a bunch of the same one. Lies! —Jane Marie Solomon, 23, Austin, Texas
No. 723: Sometimes we wear our bathing suits when we run out of underwear. —Brenna Ehrlich, 25, Brooklyn
No. 25: When we ask you to be honest, and your honest response is something you know we will be upset about, fib just a little. But only because you love us. —Kelly Heintz, 23, Fresno, California
No. 550: As much as we want to say that looks don’t matter, they are a big part of first impressions. Physical attraction gets the door open, but pretty much from there, it really is your personality that will carry you. —Lauren Hesser, 25, St. Louis
No. 74: It goes movie, then dinner. That way we don’t have to rush. We have time for dessert. —Tawnia Mayhugh, 34, Yakima, Washington
No. 800: We know it’s called the pinch and roll. —Laura Moss, 22, San Diego, California
No. 37: More back massages. —Shannon Little, 23, Memphis
No. 129: When we walk into a room we notice which women you’d sleep with before you do. —Rachael Candee, 24, Iowa City, Iowa
No. 76: I only like football because of the pants. —Sondra Gavaldon, 28, Brooklyn
No. 864: Men always wonder what women want. We won’t admit it, but we wonder the same exact thing. —Mei Christensen, 21, Charlottesville, Virginia
No. 418: It’s okay to tear up at the end of the World Series. It’s not okay during American Idol. —Lorelei Donaldson, 23, Columbia, Missouri
No. 101: Pizza and beer only counts as “date night” once every two months. —Taylor Rausch, 23, Columbia, Missouri
No. 54: It’s okay if you want to watch Steel Magnolias with us. But if you cry harder than we do when Shelby dies, you are going to have to start answering some questions. —Kelsey Allen, 21, Columbia, Missouri
No. 476: If you have more shoes than we do, that’s a deal breaker. And yes, sneakers count. —Nina Fortuna, 25, New York
No. 68: We nag because we care. —Luce Melendez, 22, New York
No. 302: Don’t try to feed me. I’m not an infant and it’s not romantic. —Katie Dinardo, 23, Brooklyn
No. 554: Women don’t get mad at you because they have PMS. They get mad at you because you’re being an idiot. —Hannah Rosengren,19, Beverly, Massachusetts
No. 13: Buying lingerie for your girlfriend is like buying a present for yourself. If she’s showing you her undies, chances are you’ll be removing them. Assess your priorities, sir. —Stephanie Hoos, 23, New York
No. 293: There’s nothing more unappealing than a man being indecisive. Unless he’s being indecisive between bouts of crying. —Katy Steinmetz, 25, Washington, D.C.
No. 111: When you offer to pay for something and we refuse, insist one more time. Always insist. —Cristina Luiggi, 24, New York
No. 767: We are afraid of spiders and bees, yet hot wax ripped from very sensitive areas we seem to be okay with. —Taylor McGraw, 20, Oxford, Mississippi
No. 66: Things we don’t appreciate: hematomas in the form of hickeys. —Katie Sanders, 20, Newton, Massachusetts
No. 14: Chivalry, within reason. Holding the door for us? Yes. Ordering for us? No. Unless your date can’t read. —Jessica Goldstein, 21, Philadelphia
No. 81: Romance is relative. I will always hold a deep affection for the man who built a shower in my studio apartment as a surprise. Think outside of the box and become immortal. —Suzanne Fortin, 31, Missoula, Montana
No. 912: We are manipulative beasts. Call us on it from time to time, just not all the time. —Lisa Huber, 38, Teutopolis, Illinois
No. 9: Cook for us and you’ll get laid at the end of the evening. Clean up the mess you made cooking and you’ll get better sex than when you turned off the television in the middle of an “important” game. —Judith Brodnicki, 50, Omaha
No. 444: No man ever talked a woman into sex. Ninety-nine percent of the time, a woman knows she is going to have sex when she walks out the door. Men can only talk themselves out of it. —Pat Lieske, 46, Los Angeles
No. 316: At the end of a first date, just call us the next day if you liked us. You can wait three days if you want, but it will only piss us off. —Wynne Kontos, 21, Lafayette, Indiana
No. 107: When we point out something sweet we saw another guy do, we want you to do it for us, too. Obviously. —Ashley Graf, 20, Utica, New York
No. 222: Don’t tell us you’re on a low-carb diet when you take us out to dinner. That’s why we’re not out with our girlfriends. —Leila Gheit, 28, Jackson Heights, New York
No. 716: No need to pretend it’s more comfortable to sleep spooning. We just want to sleep like we always do, and we’ll see you in the morning. —Ileana Morales, 21, Gainesville, Florida
No. 300: A plunger for our place will never be a good gift. —Carrie Dienhart, 34, Kansas City, Missouri
No. 75: Most women’s version of the perfect man is some combination of James Bond, Prince Charming, and George Clooney. This, luckily for you, is a man who would terrify us in real life. —Erica Anderson, 30, Chicago
No. 60: Never use fabric softener when you launder towels. It ruins their absorbency. When we’re visiting, we want thick, fluffy, absorbent towels. And we want them to be some version of white. Just a tip. —Stephanie Shaughnessy, 41, Pittsburgh
No. 733: We have several tools at our disposal to keep us from having sex with you before we are ready — wearing granny panties and not shaving are two of the strongest weapons in our arsenal. If the first time you have sex with us we are unkempt and wearing huge briefs, you must have crazy animal magnetism, or we are very drunk. —Heather Ericson, 32, Barre, Massachusetts
No. 51: Joking about your penis size makes us feel uncomfortable every time. Every. Time. —Krista Iovino, 32, New York
No. 56: We love having our layers taken off one at a time and eagerly anticipate you noticing the new lingerie we’ve been enduring all night. —Staci Brinkman, 27, Dallas
No. 208: S-l-o-o-o-w d-o-o-o-w-n-n-n. —Melinda Meggyesy, 31, Seattle
No. 643: Never hang up first. —Renee Taylor, 22, St. Catharines, Ontario, Canada
No. 382: Old Spice High Endurance Pure Sport. —Sarah June Renschler, 30, New York City
No. 21: Men drink coffee, not skinny double-pump soy macchiatos. Ordering the latter doesn’t impress us; it makes us wonder if you’d rather be double-pumping your buddy Todd. —Kt McBratney, 27, Omaha
No. 310: If we freak out over baby shoes, it doesn’t necessarily mean we want a baby. There’s just something about baby shoes. Women. Love. Baby shoes. —Stephanie Weir, 29, St. Louis
No. 85: Women hate when men talk badly about their friends. No matter how bad a friend they are, be supportive. Listen to the drama without being too opinionated. That what we do. —Danielle Scotti, 23, Pittsburgh
No. 622: When we say we don’t want flowers, we really want you to secretly ask our friends or search our Web history to find out what our favorite kind of flower is without us knowing so we’re “surprised” when you hit the nail on the head. —Meredith Blake Matthews, 26, Pittsburgh
No. 403: You should be able to do anything Bob Vila can. Or that HGTV makes happen in a 30-minute episode. —Jennifer Davidick, 30, Hazleton, Pennsylvania
No. 210: Even feminists want kitchens with stainless steel appliances. —Rachel Baron, 26, Chicago
No. 517: When we ask you how we look, we are really saying, “I am needy, please validate me. Please tell me I’m pretty. Please tell me you don’t regret loving me.” —Michele Pepio, 35, Staten Island, New York
No. 209: When you agree to take yoga with us, it’s endearing. But endearing never got anybody laid. —Ainsley Drew Nelson, 28, New York
No. 235: If I see you treat waitstaff or cashiers poorly, I will probably never touch your penis. —Rachel Giuliani, 27, Brooklyn
No. 929: You should be more concerned when I stop thinking your jokes are funny than with how often I want to have sex. —Elizabeth Oporto, 26, Merrick, New York
No. 867: We think at least two of your friends are hot. —Lauren Cusimano, 24, Phoenix
No. 430: I remember staying over at my parents’ house with my boyfriend while we were in town for a wedding. As we were falling asleep, he said, “I like our bed better.” I replied that it was more comfortable. His response was, “Yeah, and it’s ours.” At that moment, our relationship became real. “Ours” is a powerful word. —Sarah Godumski, 29, Pocono Summit, Pennsylvania
No. 321: When I say, “that feels good,” it doesn’t mean go faster and harder. It means to keep doing that. —Stacey Whiteley, 40, Albany, New York
No. 883: We think guys who call every day and don’t ask us out are playing hard to get. Come on, collections-department guy! —Yahaira Ulloa, 28, Elmwood Park, New Jersey
No. 38: Sometimes we bring you to dinners, parties, and events just to be able to say, “That one is mine.” Remember that. —Janice Tsai, 30, Sacramento
No. 109: Your foot rubbing against our leg when we’re sound asleep does not constitute foreplay. Nor does “Hey, you awake?” —Shannon Ingram, 58, Mission Viejo, California
No. 21: We understand the World Cup too. —Erin Dowding, 34, Brooklyn
No. 223: We know we snore sometimes. Don’t ever tell us when we do. —Eva Meszaros, 25, Brooklyn
No. 450: Yes, I saw Braveheart, and it’s one of my favorite movies too. —Allie Nordby, 20, Los Angeles
No. 999: We really don’t like your skinny jeans. —Yoakova Franklin, 20, Great Neck
No. 59: If you’re going to be a backseat driver, be absolutely freaking sure you know where you’re going. —Carolyn Morgan, 33, Irvine, California
No. 2: We don’t want to see your feet while we’re having sex. —Sarah O’Connell, 18, New York
No. 43: We want you to look nice, but please don’t spend more time getting ready than we do. —Rose-Marie Larsson, 20, Goteborg, Sweden
No. 607: We are the same human being with makeup and without it. —Alix Stoll, 52, Levittown, New York
No. 684: Using a GPS is not a sign of weakness. —Marianne Towersey, 59, Pebble Beach, California
No. 326: Hats don’t conceal the fact that you’re balding. They only delay the point at which we come to terms with it. —Lindsay Coluccio, 33, Newport Beach, California
No. 445: We are judging your outfit, whether silently or not, from head to toe, right this very moment. —Jodie Love, 25, Brooklyn
No. 477: Men don’t know how much we really eat. Really. —Natalia Angel, 22, London
No. 660: Don’t ask me why my Stella is in a wine glass. It’s not. Get your beers straight. —Leigh Metherell, 22, Brooklyn
No. 908: Despite what we say, you holding a baby with complete confidence is an absolute aphrodisiac. Put the baby down and come touch me. —Jennifer Trinh, 24, Irvine, California
No. 220: We may say we enjoy watching Top Gear or the Lakers, but really more than anything we enjoy seeing how teaching us about Top Gear and the Lakers boosts your confidence. —Courtney Harper, 23, Sherman Oaks, California
No. 47: Never. Wear. Neon. —Carolynn Johnson, 26, Brooklyn
No. 732: We’ll take nice forearms over six-pack abs any day. —Jennie Engelhardt, 26, New York
No. 22: Turning into our mothers is an inevitable fear we live with on a daily basis. Calling this to our attention at any point is a terrible idea. Just don’t do it. —Maura E. McGill, 29, New York
No. 18: Sometimes we just complain about our periods so you’ll leave us alone. —Kt McBratney, 27, Omaha
No. 388: If you ask for our number a second time and we don’t give it to you, there’s a good chance we can’t remember the first number we gave you. —Megan McDonnell, 30, Los Angeles
No. 314: Don’t try to figure out what will make us happy. We have been trying to get to the bottom of that mystery since the beginning of time and we have no clue either. —Michele Pepio, 35, Staten Island, New York
No. 497: We like whiskey. And beer. —Maura E. McGill, 29, New York
No. 730: We find it creepy when your fingernails are longer and/or shinier than ours. You may get a manicure, but don’t admit it, and don’t enjoy it. —Eva Meszaros, 25, Brooklyn
No. 642: Men see what women do, but they never know what women think while they are doing it. —Verena Michaeler, 18, Brixen, Italy
No. 297: We pee in the shower. There is a drain and running water. Why not? —Valerie Vaughan, 51, Denver
No. 616: If you stop with the compliments, then so might our efforts to look as hot as we did when we started dating. Why should we spend time and money that we don’t have in excess when our target audience doesn’t even notice? —Haiyen Chin, 33, Brooklyn
No. 644: If we offer you gum, it means we want to kiss you later. It’s not an insult. Just take the gum. —Rhiannon Falzone, 26, Chicago
No. 524: That low-cut top — we wouldn’t wear it if we didn’t want you to look. Just be discrete about it. —Whitney Webb, 22, Blacksburg, Virginia