… and he who sheds common parlance for that of the Stratford bard shall be my brother.
Thou recollects an army of good words are penned of habit upon the annual pirate's day. And joy it doth bring to chroniclers of daily online musings.
But lo, the sheen of such a venture darkens upon the news of a forenight past, when made-and-true pirates from the dark continent boarded a vessel and hostaged her stalwart captain. And tho the king's sharpshooters laid low the cold-hearted sea-heathens, piracy talk has lost its merriment.
But weep not, for a newish fad abounds. 'Tis "Talk Like Shakespeare" Day that we now herald.
Wouldst thou deign to be understood in such a task? Then heed you these rules:
- Instead of you, say thou. Instead of y’all, say thee.
- Rhymed couplets are all the rage.
- Men are Sirrah, ladies are Mistress, and your friends are all called Cousin.
- Instead of cursing, try calling your tormenters jackanapes or canker-blossoms or poisonous bunch-back’d toads.
- Don’t waste time saying "it," just use the letter "t" (’tis, t’will, I’ll do’t).
- Verse for lovers, prose for ruffians, songs for clowns.
- When in doubt, add the letters "eth" to the end of verbs (he runneth, he trippeth, he falleth).
- To add weight to your opinions, try starting them with methinks, mayhaps, in sooth or wherefore.
- When wooing ladies: try comparing her to a summer’s day. If that fails, say "Get thee to a nunnery!"
- When wooing lads: try dressing up like a man. If that fails, throw him in the Tower, banish his friends and claim the throne.
Presently, thou may witness thine actors doing exceedingly fine homage to the Bard, excerpted from their satirical abridgement. By way of the
YouTube ThouTube (in offense of the king's copyright laws, methinks), the jesters speak folly thusly: