Political Terms

Ken AshfordElection 2008Leave a Comment

  • absentee ballot

    A form of voting that does not involve the inconvenience of having to get up off the couch and walk to a high school gymnasium.

  • ballot

    An object recording a voter’s decision that is frequently counted toward an election’s outcome.

  • caucus

    The process by which Americans are quadrennially reminded of Iowa’s existence.

  • change

    Can be found

    1. In the air/wind.
    2. At hand.
    3. Inside us all.
  • convention

    The best four-day-long chance a politically active, overweight Kia salesman from Tulsa has to nail one of them blond Fox anchors.

  • corruption

    The most effective and efficient way to produce results in government.

  • debate

    A contest to see which candidate can answer the fewest questions.

  • delegate

    A demented, often screaming individual who experiences intense arousal at the sight of a vertically printed placard bearing his or her state’s name.

  • democracy

    A moderately representative plutocracy.

  • Diebold voting machine

    A sophisticated, computerized balloting terminal that electronically changes your vote into a vote for Mitt Romney.

  • election worker

    A male or female at least 70 years of age.

  • electoral college

    A process by which the number of states in the Union is narrowed down to the most important seven or eight.

  • experience

    A quantitative score any politician may increase by slaying foes or solving riddles.

  • likability

    The degree to which each candidate is able to hide the extent to which he or she is full of shit.

  • lobbyist

    A better-paid legislator.

  • MoveOn.org

    A company offering routine tests of your e-mail’s spam filter.

  • platform

    1. A list of the subjects that candidates are willing to discuss.
    2. A raised structure, almost entirely covered by flags, upon which candidates are placed.
  • political consultants

    Individuals who are very savvy politically, but don’t have enough hair to run for office themselves.

  • political philosophy, conservative

    1. A great way to meet chicks at Princeton University.
    2. U-S-A; e.g., U-S-A, U-S-A(!).
  • political philosophy, liberal

    An ideology steeped in a proud tradition of ineffectual whining.

  • pollster

    A person who willingly communicates with the elderly.

  • Rock The Vote

    Something that is, apparently, still happening.

  • voter apathy

    The reason most American politicians are able to achieve and maintain office.

  • — from The Onion