The Bionic Woman Sucks

Ken AshfordPopular CultureLeave a Comment

Although not set to air on network television until September 26, I managed through my underworld connections to land the pilot.  I watched it.  What a disappointment.

The effects were great, and Michelle Ryan is easy on the eyes.  But I have two complaints — a minor one and a major one.

Minor complaint: Does every major female character who is not Michelle Ryan HAVE to look like Bridget Neilson?  Seriously.  What is it with dyed-blond, harsh haircutted women?  O.K. I get it.  Brunettes: good and wholesome; victims.  Blondes: dark, evil, and/or mysterious.  Thanks for color-coding the characters, guys.

Major complaint:  The dialogue.  Lord almighty, who wrote this crap?

Ok.  Jamie was a bartender who was in love with genius Bionics doctor, Will Anthros. Her life was ordinary, however this life was to change forever after a "seemingly" random car accident left her at death’s door. Her boyfriend, not wanting to let her die, decided to put aside his professional ethics and installed her body with the top secret Bionics that he had helped to develop.

Of course, the bionics she has inside are the product of a top secret quasi-military government program — a program which is never fully explained to her.  She understands the powers she has, but doesn’t really understand why she got them or what she’s supposed to do with them.

At one point, after having a rooftop scuffle with the early prototype of the bionic woman (apparently, they have never even considered putting bionics in a man — ever) she approaches Oscar Goldman (a darker version of the 1970’s character, played here by Jose Ferrar).  It is night and it is raining and she’s wet.  And she squints at him and says — get this bit of dialogue — "If we’re going to do this — whatever ‘this’ is — we’re going to do it my way."

Apparently she doesn’t understand what the F is going on either, but she’s agreeing to do "this", because — well, just because.  Dumbest dialogue ever. 

ALSO:  Speaking of pop culture, kudos to Shakira.