Another Kaye Grogan Treat

Ken AshfordRight Wing Punditry/IdiocyLeave a Comment

My favorite right-wing columnist has another rant up.  Yay!

Scandals and national security . . . don’t mix

That’s the title.  I like how she builds the suspense with the use of ellipses.  "Scandals and national security" . . . what?  Make strange bedfellows?  Live together in perfect harmony?  No, dear readers.  They "don’t mix".

What we desperately need in our leaders are "godly" men. Not just in name only, but in actions.

The "scare quotes" for "godly" suggest that they are godly in name only.  But Kaye is just getting started.

Every time you turn around, another scandal rocks Washington, sending the country into a vertigo type of condition with so many twists and turns.

I don’t suffer from vertigo, but I wasn’t aware that it had twists and turns.  Good to know.

The latest scandal involving Senator Larry Craig of Idaho produced another "I didn’t do anything wrong" abrupt press conference.

A press conference so abrupt that it made me dizzy with vertigo.

The Republicans can add another resignation to their ever growing list. Craig has since resigned amid allegations that he was charged with a misdemeanor for soliciting sex in a men’s bathroom two months ago.

Actually, they weren’t just allegations that he was charged with a misdemeanor.  It actually happened.  He was charged and he pled guilty.  For rizzle.  It’s all in the public record.

I find it odd it has been more than two months since the alleged incident happened, and the liberal news media just sat on the story. Hmm . . . makes one wonder why the hungry news hounds dropped the ball and failed to report such an important story.

Wait, wait.  Now the "liberal media" is bad because it’s not reporting this stuff fast enough?  And what about Fox?  Did they just not know about the story, or were they in on the conspiracy to sit on it for two months?

Apparently, the timing played a large part in outing the specifics of what happened in a Minneapolis airport’s bathroom concerning Craig.

I know that’s a sentence.  It has nouns and verbs and a period at the end.  I just don’t know what it means. 

It seems to me that the timing of the media reporting had NOTHING to do with the specifics of what happened in the airport.  See, the space-time continuum informs us that the media’s reporting (or lack thereof) happened AFTERWARD. 

If this type of conduct is happening in public bathrooms, this should be a lesson for parents to supervise their children when they go to the restroom.

Yeah.  We wouldn’t want our kids to be exposed to foot-tapping.  It would traumatize them.  Maybe even give them vertigo.

Next security guards will have to be hired to monitor the safety of people using public bathroom facilities.

That would actually be kind of creepy.  Maybe even creepier than people tapping their foot in stalls.

Since Senator Craig pleaded guilty to the charge — it seems a little odd that he held a short news conference stating that he hadn’t done anything wrong, and vehemently denied he was a homosexual.

Oh, I feel some Kaye Grogan metaphors coming….

Boy, talk about trying to get the water back over the bridge, and the dam patched up after it bursts, I would say this is a perfect example of the horse already out of the barn.

Wow!  A three-fer!!!  I don’t think the "water over the bridge" is the reverse of "water under the bridge", but that’s nit-picking.

One wonders why she didn’t use the "toothpaste back in the tube" metaphor.  I’ll bet she’s pissed she didn’t think of it.

Many people insist what a person does in their own personal lives should be private. I strongly disagree, because inappropriate behavior, especially by congressional members can be used to bribe a person into voting the way a person or special interest group wants them to vote — or risk being exposed.

Clearly that’s what happened with Craig.  Some gay rights group found out that he was homosexual, and blackmailed him into voting against gay marriage and stuff like that.

Just think what this could impose on national security if a person holding a powerful job were to be bribed into giving out sensitive information to foreign leaders — especially, to the enemies of the United States or suffer the consequences of being caught up in a damaging scandal.

Hey, here’s a thought.  Maybe if we lived in a world where nobody cared whether a politician was gay or not, then there would be nothing to blackmail our gay leaders over.

This type of conduct (if it actually happened) is unacceptable, and Senator Craig did the right thing by resigning. But the damage he has caused the Republican Party could be irreversible and could possibly aid in crippling the hopes and chances for a Republican to be the next president.

Well, I doubt the impact is that big, but hope springs eternal.

Right now the Republican presidential candidates are doing a good job (on their own) crippling themselves. Lord knows they don’t need any more unsolicited canes.

"Unsolicited canes"?  I guess that’s a reference to "crippling".  Like it is the canes that do the crippling.  In any event, I think "Unsolicited Canes" is a good band name.

And President Bush has failed the party by not doing anything constructive to help heal the party of the damage he is responsible for by pushing "amnesty" for millions of illegal immigrants.

It’s not pushing amnesty that was bad, it was failing to heal the party after he pushed the whole amnesty thing.  Oh, excuse me – "amnesty".

Furthermore, he is responsible (along with many others) for allowing hundreds of Mexican trucks to have free access to our roads, claiming this activity will help America’s economy.

"Mexican trucks"?  What are those?  Are they festooned with sombrero logos on the side?  Do they play mariachi music?

Presumably, Kaye is refering to trucks from Mexico being used to deliver goods into the United States.  And, as part of NAFTA, we get to send U.S. trucks into Mexico.  Sounds like both things will help America’s economy.

Instead of cracking down on the illegal entry problem in our beloved country, the Bush Administration is encouraging border violations. After promising the American citizens that he was going to do everything in his power to protect them from another terrorist attack — he has only managed to swing the doors open wider inviting another attack similar or perhaps worse than 9/11.

Come to think of it, Kaye is right.  Perhaps we should stop all foreign ships from coming to the United States, too.  And international flights.  Let’s just make the United States one big domed hermetically-sealed country.

Now it doesn’t take a very bright person to absorb how dangerous it is to allow trucks that could possibly be carrying weapons, drugs, and truckloads of more illegal immigrants — free access to our interstates.

But they check the trucks at the borders, don’t they?  Kaye?

Oh they claim the trucks will be under the highest surveillance, and required to undergo strenuous check points. But somehow that is not very comforting. If the borders can’t be controlled — do they really expect anyone to believe the foreign trucks on our highways are going to be controlled?

Well, perhaps that’ll be because all the national security people will be busy monitoring the restrooms so the little children won’t be exposed to foot-tapping.

And to make matters worse: the immigration authorities claim they don’t know where millions of illegal fugitives are hiding.

I guess that’s why they’re called "fugitives", Kaye.  Because they’re not out in the open.

Admitting to this type of vulnerability should show the world how capable our leaders and homeland security are in protecting their citizens.

Right.  We can be vulnerable; we just shouldn’t admit we’re vulnerable.

There are way too many foxes already lurking in the hen houses . . . to suit me.

Kaye’s favorite metaphor.  Seriously.  She’s obsessed with foxes and poultry.  And we’re treated to more suspense-building ellipses.

And that’s the bottom line!

Hey!  Kaye’s got a new tag line!  It used to be "And that’s just my opinion!"  She must have racked her brains for that one.  She’s still hoping one day to use "And that’s the rest of the story", but Paul Harvey has hogged that one. 

It’s good to have a tag line, because it allows Kaye to avoid the difficult task of tying the loose threads of her column into a coherent point.  She can engage in an alcoholic ramble about gays, the 2008 election, immigration, national security, etc. — flitting about in a random stream-of-consciousness rant — and then duck out the back door with a hearty "And that’s the bottom line", leaving the confused reader asking, "What the fuck did I just read?"