Shorter Mike Gallagher: I’m not going spend an entire column capitalizing on the Virginia Tech murders. Instead, I’m going to write about me and my thoughts (about the Virginia Tech murders).
Shorter Phil Harris: If fetuses had laptops and email accounts, here’s what they would say.
Shorter John Hawkins: I’ve figured it out, everybody — Cho Seung-Hui was baaaad.
Shorter Chuck Colson: I’ve figured it out, everybody — Cho Seung-Hui was baaaad.
Shorter Jerry Bowyer: I’ve figured it out, everybody — Cho Seung-Hui hated McDonald’s.
Shorter Paul Greenberg: A guy I know — I won’t say who — likes baseball.
Shorter Paul Greenberg: Okay, it’s me. I like baseball.
Shorter Bert Prelutsky: Look, all he did was call them "nappy-headed ho’s". He’s not Hitler for Chrissakes!
Shorter Lorie Byrd: The Virginia Tech murders? That’s freedom at work, baby!
Shorter Kathleen Parker: My anti-abortion rhetoric is better than your pro-choice rhetoric.
Shorter Oliver North: Virginia Tech, Iran, same diff….
Shorter David "Not My Brother" Limbaugh: Women like Justice Ginsberg — who refuse to bow to the patriarchy and who believe woman should control their lives — are just being inflexible.
Shorter Charles Krauthammer: People should use the Virginia Tech killings to advance their own political ideology (P.S. Ignore what I said two days ago)