If “On Golden Pond” Had Been Written By Cho Seung Hui

Ken AshfordCrimeLeave a Comment


Scene One

Norman and Billy are in the main room of the cabin, tying fishing lures.  Ethel is straightening the house around them.


Careful, there, boy   You’re liable to take your eye out with one of those things.


Norman, you old poop.  Leave the boy alone.  He’s only trying to help.


Yeah, Norman.  And take your hands off me, you perv.  You’re nothing but a child rapist.  I bet you like giving it to kids in the ass.  Is that it?  You like doing them up the butt, you senile old fudgepacker?


You like that word, don’t you — "fudgepacker"?


Fuck yeah, I like that word, you rapist.  What are you going to do about it?


Hmmmm.  It’s a good word.

ETHEL (wielding a chainsaw, lunging at Norman)

Norman!  You know I don’t like those words!

[She swings the chainsaw at him striking his arm.  It falls off]

BILLY (laughing)

Way to go, you dried up cunt of a woman!

ETHEL (turning to Billy)

You’re nothing but a Satan child!

NORMAN (bleeding)


BILLY (to Ethel)

What are you going to do?  Fuck me in the ass?  I bet you want to.  Why don’t you?  Or better yet, why don’t you fuck yourself!  In the nose!   With that chainsaw!  Yeah, I bet you want to.

[Billy whips out a lawnmower from behind the sofa, and revs it up.  He lifts it over his head and brings the spinning blades down full force over Ethel.  Pieces of her fly all about the cabin]


Fuck yeah.  Stupid fucking rich white motherfuckahs.