Everything I Know About Women, I Learned From Alyssa Milano

Ken AshfordWomen's Issues1 Comment

Alyssa20milanoThank you, Alyssa.  Thank you for telling me ten things I don’t know about women.  Thank you for reducing your gender into broad overgeneralized stereotypes (and thank you, by the way, for giving me an excuse to post some photos of you):

1. Women are innately self-conscious. This is not a choice; it’s a genderwide condition. On a bad day, I look in the mirror and see my ten-pound-heavier alter ego. Her name is Bertha. On a really bad day, Bertha sees her two-hundred-pound-heavier alter ego. Her name is Brian Dennehy.

So…. women have multiple personalities, and they give names to each personality?  This is a serious mental health problem, Alyssa, and I think you need to discuss it with someone.

2. Women produce half the world’s food but own only 1 percent of its farmland. So we’re fine with you picking up the tab. And after about three thousand dinners at Nobu, we should be even.

In other words, when I pick up the tab, I’m settling a debt.  Which means, I shouldn’t expect sex.  I’m curious though — how much food have you — you yourself produced?  Aren’t you just riding on the coattails of your sisters?

3. Women like porn, too. We just hate it when you hide the porn.

We know you like porn.  We hide it so you won’t steal it.

4. Women remember everything . Don’t believe me? Ask your girlfriend where you met. She won’t tell you it was at a party. She’ll say it was a Thursday, she had just come from dinner, where she ate a veggie burger, and she was wearing her friend Cathy’s pink top, which was big on her because Cathy is a big girl. You were wearing a blue button-down, drinking a Jack and Coke with two straws, and talking to Bill, that mutual friend. She waved and you gave her the "what’s up" nod. This still infuriates her. ("How could you give me the nod?")

Sorry, Alyssa.  Women don’t remember everything.  They remember what matters to them.  Just as men remember what matters to them (i.e., the line-up of the 1967 Red Sox). 

5. An eyelash curler, while mean and ferocious looking, is not a weapon.

While I agree with wholeheartedly that an eyelash curler is not a weapon, what the hell does this have to do with "Ten Things You Don’t Know About Women"?  Do women think it is a weapon?  Does anybody?  Why are you dispelling a myth that nobody believes?

6. No matter how much your woman loves you, there are going to be three to seven days each month when she wants you dead. (She may even quietly fantasize about turning her eyelash curler against you.) You have two options: Tie yourself to a tree and wait out the storm, or stock up at Tiffany’s, toss a blue box or two into the wind, and hope for the best. We recommend the latter. (The key chain doesn’t count.)

AlyssabbYes.  I’m sure men are not aware of PMS.  Thank you for enlightening us.

7. We think it’s weird when you watch sports and concentrate to help your team.

Oh, now come on.  You’re just trying to regain your feminine creds here, Alyssa.  But we all know that you have a blog devoted entirely to baseball, so stop pretending.  You think we just fell off the turnip truck?

8. "Hey, Melissa, who’s the boss?" Not a good pickup line. "Hey, Phoebe, where’d you park your broomstick?" Not a good pickup line. "Hey, Alyssa, you look 250 pounds lighter than Brian Dennehy in that dress." Surprisingly good pickup line.

Okay.  The title of this article is "Ten Things You Don’t Know About Women".  Not "Ten Things You Don’t Know About Alyssa".  I assure you, Alyssa, that when I pick up women, I do not — and would not — use pickup lines that refer to your career.  I’m not that stupid.

And by the way, what’s this obsession with Brian Dennehy’s girth?  Leave the man alone, will ya?

9. Women hear better than men. That’s before you even factor in listening skills and attention spans. Come to think of it, I should have listed this one first because I’m sure I’ve lost you by now.

Women have better hearing at frequencies above 2000Hz.  Which means you are better at conversing with dolphins (or Darryl Hannah impersonating a dolphin).  And sometimes, we wish you would and let us concentrate on the ballgame.

10. You may be surprised to know that women were responsible for inventing all of the following: the circular saw, the signal flare, the space suit, the bulletproof vest, and the windshield wiper. You’re welcome.

You forgot to mention the dishwasher, ironing board, and rolling pin.  Seriously.

And here’s some things invented by men: cars, books, television, phones, computers, feminine hygiene products, eyelash curlers and — oh yeah — Western civilization.  You’re welcome.  I think, considering all we’ve given you, you should pick up the tab when we take you out to dinner.  But we’ll accept sex instead.