Malkin’s Manifesto

Ken AshfordRight Wing Punditry/Idiocy1 Comment

Iphobe_2So wingnut Michell Malkin has written a "mini-Turner Diaries of batshit post-9/11 anti-Muslim paranoia", which she calls a "John Doe Manifesto".  Big on bravada and even bigger on prejudice, it is a how-to guide to justify every bigot’s anti-Muslim fear.

Let’s break it down, shall we?

Dear Muslim Terrorist Plotter/Planner/Funder/Enabler/Apologist,

Oh, why so formal, Michelle?

You do not know me. But I am on the lookout for you. You are my enemy. And I am yours.

Cue soundtrack from "Lord Of The Rings".  Or maybe the Darth Vader theme.

I am John Doe.

I am John Galt.  Nice to meet you.

I am traveling on your plane. I am riding on your train. I am at your bus stop. I am on your street. I am in your subway car. I am on your lift.

What are you?  Following people?  Or are you just omnipresent?  You know, like God?

I am your neighbor. I am your customer. I am your classmate. I am your boss.

You can tell the Michelle wants to write "I am your worst nightmare", but it’s probably too cliched, even for her.

I am John Doe.

I am Spartacus.  Nice to meet you.

I will never forget the example of the passengers of United Airlines Flight 93 who refused to sit back on 9/11 and let themselves be murdered in the name of Islam without a fight.

"I will never use contractions either.  All the bad asses in the movies and on TV don’t use contractions."

I will never forget the passengers and crew members who tackled al Qaeda shoe-bomber Richard Reid on American Airlines Flight 63 before he had a chance to blow up the plane over the Atlantic Ocean.

Like an elephant, she.

I will never forget the alertness of actor James Woods, who notified a stewardess that several Arab men sitting in his first-class cabin on an August 2001 flight were behaving strangely. The men turned out to be 9/11 hijackers on a test run.

I will never forget actor James Woods in The Onion Fields.  I mean, did you see that?  That guy can really act.

I will act when homeland security officials ask me to "report suspicious activity."

"Like when I see two or three olive-skinned men boarding a plane, or — hell! — just walking down the street, I press 911 and tell somebody.  (They tell me to stop bothering them, but crusadors like me — I have my duty)."

I will embrace my local police department’s admonition: "If you see something, say something."

I spy with my little eye….

I am John Doe.

You know, Michelle — "John Doe" doesn’t quite have that fear-striking impact that you apparently think it does.  It’s like saying that you’re "Wally Cox" or "Percy Dovetonsils" 

If you’re going to keep repeating your name, maybe what you need is a really badass nickname — like "The Eradicator" or something.

I will protest your Jew-hating, America-bashing "scholars."

"Which, for convenience sake, I define as anyone on the left"

I will petition against your hate-mongering mosque leaders.

"As opposed to your NON-hate-mongering mosque leaders, of which there are none in my view."

I will raise my voice against your subjugation of women and religious minorities.

This from the woman who wrote In Defense of Internment, a book which said it was a good idea to round up innocent Japanese-Americans during WWII and put them into camps.

I will challenge your attempts to indoctrinate my children in our schools.

Muslim terrorists are teaching evolution now, apparently.

I will combat your violent propaganda on the Internet.

"Starting with Daily Kos."

I am John Doe.

Of the Springfield "Does"?  My, it’s a small world.

I will support law enforcement initiatives to spy on your operatives, cut off your funding and disrupt your murderous conspiracies.

And if they violate the civil rights of peace-loving Americans, so be it.  Remember, we have to give up freedom in order to preserve it.

I will oppose all attempts to undermine our borders and immigration laws.

You go, girl.

I will resist the imposition of sharia principles and sharia law in my taxi cab, my restaurant, my community pool, the halls of Congress, our national monuments, the radio and television airwaves, and all public spaces.

Right.  Only Christian fundamentalists can oppose things like homosexuality, etc.

I will not be censored in the name of tolerance.

"Because I am intolerant.  It’s the American way."

I will not be cowed by your Beltway lobbying groups in moderates’ clothing. I will not cringe when you shriek about "profiling" or "Islamophobia."

What?  Islamophobe?  Moi?

I will put my family’s safety above sensitivity. I will put my country above multiculturalism.

"Because my country has nothing to do with multiculturalism!  And I say that as an asian woman, the daughter of immigrants to this country!"

I will not submit to your will. I will not be intimidated.

"I will not pay a lot for this muffler"

I am John Doe.

Please to meet you.  Won’t you guess my name?