Shorter Mary Graber: "Prompted by the New York Times story that 51% of women in America are unmarried, I stayed up all night drinking black russions and talking to my cat about the Playboy Mansion."

Shorter Burt Prelutsky:  "Dogs, Jews, and Christians — good.  Pigs, Muslims, and Nancy Pelosi — bad.  Any questions?"

Shorter Rich Galen: "Republicans worry too much about punctuation marks."

Shorter Diana West: "I guess I oppose Bush’s strategy is Iraq, which is far better than Democrats who definitely oppose Bush’s strategy in Iraq."

Shorter Kathleen Parker:  "You know why John Kerry would be a terrible presidential candidate for 2008?  Because he doesn’t even have the ambition to runfor President!"

Shorter Jonah Goldberg: "Tehnically, the Korean War isn’t over since we still have troops there, and nobody’s complaining.  So why can’t Iraq be just the same?"

Shorter Mona Charon: "Psssst!  If everybody would just agree to agree with Bush, then the terrorists all over the world will throw down their weapons and go home — isn’t that obvious?!?"

Shorter Mike Adams:  "True story.  There’s a black person out there who actually don’t mind being nice to unrepetent racist segregationists.  Why can’t all black people change?"

Shorter David Strom: "I don’t believe in global warming, because there’s a lot of money to be made as an environmental scientist predicting global warming.  I’m not quite sure how yet, but I’m working on it."

Shorter Debra Saunders: "If Bush wants to be seen as a better President, he should do a better job as President.   Which is why he’s right not to do anything different than he’s always done."