An Open Letter To That Deer I Almost Ran Over

Ken AshfordRandom Musings1 Comment

Dear Roadkill Wannabe:

Dude, that was so not funny.

What are you — nuts?!?  Are you just some nutty nutjob who is just a crazy nut?

You see that hard black path with a yellow line down the middle?  That’s called a road, asshole!  Cars drive on them!

There was, like, 200 yards between me and the closet car.  Plenty of time for you to amble across.  Yes, I said amble!!!

But did you do that?!?   No!   You wait until I’m right upon you and then you leap out from nowhere and do a Baryshnikov across the road!   You didn’t even "look both ways" first.  Even a child knows better than that!!!

Yeah, I know.  Your feet didn’t touch the road – and it was a two-laner.  Was that supposed to impress me?  It didn’t.  Besides, that’s hardly the point.

The point is that I drive a very visible red Ford Escape Hybrid, and even though it’s a "mini-SUV", it’s still a couple of tons of metal and glass.  At 35 miles per hour, don’t you know what it can do to a deer upon impact? 

Here, click on this link (or if you can’t click because of your hooves, find a raccoon to help you — I understand that they have opposable thumbs).  Yeah, that could be you one day, shithead.

It would have been curtains for you my friend, not to mention the damage to my car.  Talk about your animal-man-hybrid misfortunes.

Didn’t you listen to NPR this morning?  Don’t you know that one of your buddies got nailed at the corner of Reynolda Road and Shattalon Drive?!?  Can’t you take a friggin’ hint?

And I’m one of the good guys.  I support the World Wildlife Fund.  I’m on your side, bro.  But if you do that again, me and my SUV are just going to get medieval on your Bambi ass.

You scared me, dude.  You scared that woman in the white van, too.  So not cool.

Jerk.  Moron.  Venison.

Yours in Disgust, Ken