Not Poped Out

Ken AshfordGodstuffLeave a Comment

The Rude Pundit is really enjoying all this dead Pope news:

    The Rude Pundit doesn’t want to hear about fuck-all else: no damn Abu Ghraib attack, no damn Tom DeLay-is-evil bullshit, and certainly not a fuckin’ word about the WMD intelligence report that says we’re all fucked. Who the hell needs that? Don’t harsh the Rude Pundit’s Pope corpse buzz.

    PopestateNo, that’s all noise, man, it’s all bullshit, it’s doin’ nothin’ but gettin’ in the way of hearing over and over and over and over and over what a great fuckin’ Pope corpse this is, how we all love the Pope corpse. How the Pope corpse chased away the Commies, how the Pope corpse loved all the brown people. Fuck, man, can’t we send the Pope corpse on a world tour? Can’t we mummify that fucker and let it visit every fuckin’ country the living Pope visited and even the ones he didn’t get to? Aw, shit, it’d be amazing: hourly updates of the Pope corpse’s time in Tanzania or Ecuador. Goddamn, how the natives would be thrilled to have a Pope corpse there. C’mon, Rome, don’t bogart the Pope corpse.

Matter of fact, the Rude Pundit wants the Pope corpse to be re-animated, to become the zombie Pope, going on a rampage, eating the brains of abortion providers, homosexuals, and warmongers, because the Pope’s approach to the "culture of life" was so fuckin’ consistent, man, it was so steady, bein’ against genocide and contraception. Opposin’ the Iraq War and women priests. Shit, we all read what we want into the Pope corpse, taking the good with the bad, but, oh, man, the zombie Pope’ll show us all what’s what. He’ll be eatin’ some fuckin’ flesh, man, that’s what a zombie Pope’d do – enough of those dry, tasteless eucharists – let’s get real and juicy here. He is risen.

And when we finally capture the zombie Pope and put him in the ground, the Rude Pundit wants a twenty-four hour a day Pope corpse-cam in that tomb, so we can all watch the Pope corpse rot on a special CNN channel called "Watch the Rotting Corpse of the Pope." And it won’t just be the decaying flesh of the Pope corpse on the channel – no, it’ll be nonstop people tellin’ us all how wonderful the Pope corpse is, how to this day the Pope corpse still inspires them by never giving up, rotting so gallantly in front of us to teach us all the mysteries of dying and, well, fuck, rotting.

Yes, sir, nothin’ else matters when there’s a Pope corpse around. Don’t let that fucker rest in peace.

Rude Pundit, as you might realize, is not one for mincing words.