The Poor Man sets the record straight, in case you were confused:
| Bolton: | Michael Bolton | John R. Bolton |
| Primary hair issue: |  Stole Robert Plant’s ‘do and chest hair |
 Has been wearing the same unconvincing hairpiece since 1972 |
| Early inspiration: | Stevie Wonder | Jesse Helms |
| spent 1981 in: | Blackjack | The Reagan Administration |
| later in the decade, teamed up with: | Laura Branigan | Ed Meese |
| has also been linked with: | Peabo Bryson, Patti Labelle, and BabyFace | Ahmad Chalabi, Richard Perle and Douglas Feith |
| most controversial quote: | ‘Love is a Wonderful Thing‘ | ‘I’m with the Bush-Cheney team, and I’m here to stop the count’ |
| Works to rid the world of: | poverty, homelessness, and sexual abuse | The UN and non-proliferation treaties |
| If confirmed, will destroy: | TBD | The UN |
| If NOT confirmed, will destroy: | a bunch more good songs | TBD |
| Editors’ opinion: | Sucks | Sucks |