The success of Congress’s record-breakingly speedy passage of a bill specifically crafted for the parents and brother of persistently-vegetative Terry Shiavo induced a furor this morning as America’s other 293 million inhabitants eagerly awaited their own "personal legislation."

"I can’t wait," said seven-year-old Terry Dooley, who has petitioned Congress to pass legislation ordering Schwinn to give him a new bike.

Americans couldn’t be happier that Congress is finally doing something for them. "Now, this is your government at work," said Piper Cobb, who has asked Congress for a law requiring credit card companies to give him an exceptionally low rate of interest with no late payment fees.

From Tom Burka’s "Opinions You Should Have".