Fisking Ann

Ken AshfordRight Wing Punditry/IdiocyLeave a Comment

Yes, she’s an easy target, but her Amazon Interview is too priceless to miss. Plus, it’s short. Let’s begin. How important is this presidential election in the larger context of the Republic and its history?

Ann Coulter: Insofar as the survival of the Republic is threatened by the election of John Kerry, I’d say 2004 is as big as it gets.

The survival of the Republic? Yes, that DOES sound pretty big and important. But what a weak system of government we must have to begin with if John Kerry’s election can bring it to shreds. Who were the assholes who thought up our pansy-ass Republican structure? Is there one standout issue, and why does it make a difference? What are the most crucial issues?

Coulter: I repeat: The survival of the Republic is threatened by the election of John Kerry. I’d say that’s the big one.

I’m detecting a theme here, Ann. Actually, it’a theme they floated around back in — let’s see — 1860, if I’m not mistaken. What are the top five books you’d recommend to become an informed voter? And what can your new book contribute?

Coulter: The Bible, High Crimes and Misdemeanors, Slander, Treason, and How to Talk to a Liberal (If You Must).

One of these things . . . is not like the others. One of the these things . . . doesn’t belong. Can you tell me which thing . . . is not like the others . . . before I finish my song.

Oh, and Ann? How come you didn’t answer the second question? What’s the closest parallel from American history to this year’s race?

Coulter: 1864. Bush is Lincoln and Kerry is General McClellan–who, I note, was a great military leader.

I see. A "great military leader" is a general who repeatedly refuses to take the fight to his enemy, based on false paranoia that the enemy has more strength than it actually does. Thank you, Ann. I didn’t realize you were such a military historian. What is the most important lesson from President Bush’s term so far?

Coulter: Peace through strength is an idea that never goes out of style.

Where have we achieved peace through strength in President Bush’s term thus far? Just asking.

Coulter: Also, some people can’t be negotiated with but have to be crushed; e.g., the Taliban, al Qaeda, possibly North Korea and Iran, Pat Leahy, Carl Levin, Richard Ben-Veniste…

Whoa, whoa, whoa!!! I’m getting writer’s cramp here, Ann!

So . . . Richard Ben-Veniste has to be crushed, but only "possibly" North Korea and Iran?? I’m glad to see you have your priorities in order. What happened to peace through strength, by the way? What would a Kerry administration mean?

Coulter: Quite possibly the destruction of the Republic.

And we return to the theme which we started, just like they taught us in freshman writing class. Wow.

So to recap: Kerry = "end of the Republic". Ann’s books are kind of like the Bible. McClellan was a great general which explains why there are so many statues of him as opposed to, say, Lee. And saying "go fuck yourself" to Pat Leahy isn’t as effective as crushing him with a huge boulder.

Thank you, Ann. Nice Halloween costume.