Chuck Norris Facts

Ken AshfordRandom Musings1 Comment

I learned yesterday (from NPR of all places) that reciting facts about Chuck Norris is a teenage fad these days.

So naturally, I had to check it out.  A "Chuck Norris Fact" is a statement showing how bad-ass Chuck Norris is.  Sort of like the "You’re Momma" jokes of the 1990’s.

And now, here, free of charge, are some of my favorite Chuck Norris Facts:

  • If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds ’til." After you ask, "Two seconds ’til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
  • The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’ fist.
  • There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
  • The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
  • When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald’s because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy’s.
  • Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
  • When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.
  • Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
  • On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
  • Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
  • Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
  • When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
  • Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
  • The Bible was originally titled "Chuck Norris and Friends"
  • Chuck Norris’s first job was as a paperboy.  There were no survivors.
  • Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
  • When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.
  • Chuck Norris uses tabasco sauce instead of visine.
  • Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

You get the idea….

For Beatles Fans And Audiophiles

Ken AshfordYoutubeLeave a Comment

Not sure how this was done (de-tracking software usually doesn’t work this well), but someone managed to isolate tracks of The Beatle’s Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band.

Did he have access to the masters?

New Hampshire Update

Ken AshfordElection 2008Leave a Comment

No exit poll leaks, folks. (Here’s why)

But it looks like turnout in New Hampshire is likely to be at record-setting levels. 

More importantly:

I’m watching MSNBC now and have heard already a couple of times that there are precincts that are requesting extra Democratic ballots from the Secretary of State as turnout is exceeding predictions. I do not know if this suggests that turnout could top Gardner’s projections or not, but it’s certainly not a bad sign for the vitality of the Democratic Party for precincts to be needing more and more ballots to meet a growing demand by voters hoping to vote in the Democratic primary today.

Also, it looks like the requests for Democratic ballots are coming from Republican and Independent heavy counties.

Obama In Concord

Ken AshfordElection 2008Leave a Comment

Amateur video:

Says Ezra Klein:

The line began forming three hours prior to the event, in 30 degree weather. The journalists covering the speech kept pulling out their personal cameras to snap photos: Somehow, this run of his, these crowds of his, feel historic The words "Bobbie Kennedy" float up dozens of times a night.

Again, Rudy Invokes 9/11

Ken AshfordElection 2008Leave a Comment

On MSNBC today, he was asked about Clinton’s "holding back the tears".  So naturally, he responds with:

The reality is, if you look at me, September 11 — the funerals, the memorial services — there were times in which it was impossible not to feel the emotion.

Jon Stewart was right: Rudy has "9/11 Tourette’s".

UPDATE —  the video:

What Does Seven-Of-Nine (Jeri Ryan) Have To Do With Obama?

Ken AshfordElection 2008Leave a Comment

Some say, if it weren’t for her, we wouldn’t have Obama:

Jeri_ryan_in_start_trek_voyagerBack in 2004, Barack Obama was an Illinois state senator with some modest accomplishments on his resume. He spearheaded welfare reform in the Illinois statehouse, and took the lead in passing a law that required interrogations in murder cases to be videotaped.

After unsuccessfully challenging strong Democratic incumbent Bobby Rush in a Congressional primary in 2000, Obama returned in 2004 to run for the U.S. Senate seat being vacated by Republican Senator Peter Fitzgerald. Obama emerged from a crowded Democratic primary that included multi-millionaire Blair Hull, who spent $29 million of his own money in the primary alone (including paying homeowners $75 a day to keep his signs in their yards). In an 8-candidate race, Obama garnered 53% of the vote, routing his opponents.

Yet despite running away with the primary, Obama still had a formidable challenge in Republican Jack Ryan. Ryan was an impressive candidate – attractive and wealthy, with law and business degrees from Harvard. After making a fortune at Goldman Sachs, Ryan left to teach in an inner city school.

Yet Ryan had a problem – during the campaign, he was going through a messy divorce from actress Jeri Ryan, of “Star Trek: Voyager” fame. Details of Jeri Ryan’s testimony contained lurid details about Ryan forcing his wife to go to sex clubs in Paris. These details were toxic to Jack Ryan’s campaign, and he saw his poll numbers plummet – eventually, Republican leaders pressed Ryan to quit the race, fearing he was toxic to the statewide ticket.

Eventually, Ryan bowed out, leaving the Illinois Republican Party to find a candidate to run against Obama. This led to the national embarrassment of Alan Keyes moving to Illinois to run. Naturally, Obama won 70%-27%, buoyed by his keynote speech at the 2004 Democratic Convention.

The rest is history.

Lame excuse to post a picture of Jeri Ryan?

I ain’t tellin’….

Things I Didn’t Know

Ken AshfordWomen's IssuesLeave a Comment

Men are apparently having abortions now, too.

I actually have more to say on the issue, but perhaps some other time.  Suffice it to say, I see much of this whining by men, sincere though it may be, as part of a calculated effort to re-exert control over a woman’s uterus.  It’s a cold and calculated move by the anti-choice crowd.  Or, as the article says:

But the activists leading the men’s movement make clear they’re not relying on statistics to make their case. They’re counting on the power of men’s tears.

Yup.

Our Supreme Court

Ken AshfordConstitution, Crime, Supreme CourtLeave a Comment

How did he get there?

Justice Antonin Scalia said states have been careful to adopt procedures that do not seek to inflict pain and should not be barred from carrying out executions even if prison officials sometimes make mistakes in administering drugs. "There is no painless requirement" in the Constitution, Scalia said. Chief Justice John Roberts and Justice Samuel Alito also indicated their support for the states’ procedures.

Who knew? 

Amendment VIII

Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.

This idea that if the Constitution doesn’t spell something out verbatim is silly.  It’s playground stuff.

Ashamed Of My Gender

Ken AshfordElection 2008, Women's IssuesLeave a Comment

F***in’ idiot:

Clintonirongetty533_2

SALEM, N.H. — Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton was about to deliver a line that has become a centerpiece of her campaign since her loss in Iowa.

“Everybody in this race is talking about change. But what does that mean?”

“Iron my shirt!” yelled a man, who stood up in the middle of a jammed and stuffy auditorium at a high school in Salem, N.H., and held up a yellow sign with the same text. He repeated it over and over.

Mrs. Clinton asked for the lights to be turned on, and the shirt man was removed along with another man who had stood up too.

“Oh, the remnants of sexism are alive and well,” Mrs. Clinton said.

When everyone had settled down a bit, she said, “As I think has just been abundantly demonstrated, I am also running to break through the highest and hardest glass ceiling.”

Her words were drowned out by a cheering, now-standing crowd.

“That’s one of the things I love about it,” she said. “It’s never predictable.”

To be totally honest, I don’t know what "Iron my shirt" is supposed to mean.  I guess it means that women are supposed to do household chores and not run for President.  But you have to wonder about a guy who holds a sign like that.  Doesn’t that say more about him than about any candidate?  What?  He can’t iron a shirt himself?

I’d like to meet him, but more than that, I’d like to meet his wife/girlfriend.  Oh, right.  Probably don’t exist.

UPDATE:  A radio show prank?

From Our New Hampshire Correspondent

Ken AshfordElection 2008Leave a Comment

At last the big day is here!  Obama is going to have a BIG victory but the question there is whether or not Edwards can beat out Clinton (probably not but it could happen).  The interesting development is that a lot of the independent voters who were going to vote for McCain now are jumping on the Obama bandwagon so McCain is no longer a clear winner.  And Huckabee could finish 3rd which would be a "win" for him.  It has been a zoo around here the past few days with busloads of young people on the streets with signs and chants – we’ll be glad to see things get back to normal but this has been fun.

[Other stuff]

Okay, I’m off to the polls.

Love you,

Mom

As "our correspondent" suggests, the number to watch when all is said and done is where independent voters ended up.  If they went Democratic (Obama or whoever), that’s very very bad news for Republicans in the long run.  Independents are going to be the key factor in the general election next November.

[She also reports that the Concord Community Players is doing "The Full Monty", which is great for them]

Bill Gates’ Retirement

Ken AshfordPopular CultureLeave a Comment

Funny video of Bill Gates contemplating his retirement and what he’s going to do.  Cameos by Bono, Jon Stewart, Geroge Clooney and many others.

Best part:  Bill Gates playing Guitar Hero and then calling Bono saying he’s ready to join U2.