In Which I Demonstrate How I Channel The New York Times Theatre Critics

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My review of "Curtains", March 5, 2007:

Much about "Curtains" is familiar and predictable, even stereotypical. 

New York Times review of "Curtains", March 23, 2007:

There’s something soothing, even soporific, about such unaggressive predictability. But I’m assuming — and maybe I’m wrong — that you don’t go to Broadway for lullabies.

My review of "Curtains", March 5, 2007:

But this book was nothing but theatrical cliches and lame jokes (Here’s an example: "Gee, I wanted this show to make a killing, but not like this.")

New York Times review of "Curtains", March 23, 2007:

The script fires out a tireless fusillade of jokes, in the apparent hope that a few of them are bound to hit their targets.

My review of "Curtains", March 5, 2007:

The score by Kander & Ebb was not much better.  There was nothing memorable or catchy.

New York Times review of "Curtains", March 23, 2007:

But here his melodies, especially in the would-be showstoppers, are often repetitious without being rousing.

My review of "Curtains", March 5, 2007:

David Hyde Pierce, who more-or-less carries the show….

New York Times review of "Curtains", March 23, 2007:

David Hyde Pierce,who (this is the good news) steps into full-fledged Broadway stardom with his performance here…

My review of "Curtains", March 5, 2007:

There were nice moments when they rose above the material — for example, a "dream" sequence where Pierce and his co-star imagine they are in a Marge & Gower Champion musical number, complete with smoke and white staircases.

New York Times review of "Curtains", March 23, 2007:

In the second act Mr. Hyde Pierce and Ms. Paice are allowed, for one song, to turn into Fred and Ginger in an RKO dream world. Choreographed as a dexterous blend of sendup and valentine by Mr. Ashford*, the number expresses the sheer, lightheaded love of that silly and sublime form, the musical, that is what “Curtains” is meant to be about. The song is called “A Tough Act to Follow,” and nothing that precedes or follows it is on its level.

My review of "Curtains", March 5, 2007:

I think one line from "Curtains" — a laugh line, presumably — sums it best: "This show is lackluster.  It lacks . . . well, luster."  Yup.

New York Times review of "Curtains", March 23, 2007:

“It’s a perfectly fine life,” he sings, with feeble conviction. “I’d give it” — and here he pauses, for a moment of honest self-assessment — “two cheers.” That’s more or less the feeling inspired by “Curtains.” I sincerely wish I could say otherwise.

My review of "Jack Goes Boating", March 5, 2007:

Hoffman’s character is the richest of the four.

New York Times review of "Jack Goes Boating", March 19, 2007:

But with a wonderful ensemble led by Philip Seymour Hoffman (yes, I know, an Oscar-winning movie star, but never mind), this gentle portrait of pothead losers in love is a reminder of how engrossing uneventful existences can be in the hands of the right actors. You’re likely to leave the theater with a contact high from the ripe pleasure that Mr. Hoffman and his cast mates derive from portraying everyday eccentrics.

My review of "Jack Goes Boating", March 5, 2007:

The play is not deep in terms of meaning, but it would be wrong to dismiss this as a mere "romantic comedy".  All the characters have their own baggage, and their own reasons not to take steps into relationships. 

New York Times review of "Jack Goes Boating", March 19, 2007:

What plot there is hinges on questions classically posed in schlemiel-meets-schlemiel stories. Will Jack and Connie hit it off? Will they make it as a couple? Will they even make it to bed?  You care about the answers because Mr. Glaudini and the cast give such credible life to the people involved, endowing them with quirks and kinks that are a crucial hair’s breadth short of preciousness or cartoonishness.

My review of "Jack Goes Boating", March 5, 2007:

…a nice quiet contemporary comedy/drama that didn’t feel the need to slap you upside the head with zany situations, bizarre characters, or deep messages…

New York Times review of "Jack Goes Boating", March 19, 2007:

“Jack Goes Boating” pushes the same buttons so adroitly manipulated by “Little Miss Sunshine,” last year’s cinematic sleeper hit about a fractious family’s road trip. Like that film “Jack” exudes a wry compassion for the unsung and the life-thwarted that never tips into stickiness…. The entire production — including a set by David Korins that mixes urban realism with redemptive glimpses of lyricism — has an unforced naturalness that keeps shtick at bay.

My review of "Jack Goes Boating", March 5, 2007:

His nervousness is revealed by his almost persistent throat-clearing which starts off so subtle that one might think Hoffman was struggling with a sore throat (well, Cheryl thought that).

New York Times review of "Jack Goes Boating", March 19, 2007:

Character-defining gimmicks that you would expect in a second-tier sitcom, like Jack’s habit of clearing his throat when he’s uncomfortable, seldom feel less than organic here.

* no relation