The following are actual excerpts from history reports and tests from America’s finest high schools and colleges. Spelling has been preserved.
Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics.
The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of huge triangular cubes.
They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot.
The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn’t have any children.
Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother’s son?"
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients.
Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
The airplane was invented and first flown by the Marx brothers.
Hitler’s instrumentality of terror was the Gespacho.
Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."
Noah’s wife was Joan of Ark.
Middle Eastern history was written by Florence of Arabia.
The Soviets erected the Berlin Mall?
Plato invented reality. He was teacher to Harris Tottle, author of The Republicans.
Germany’s William II had a chimp on his shoulder and therefore had to ride his horse with only one hand.
The Germans took the by-pass around France’s Marginal Line. This was known as the "Blintz Krieg."
Corruption grew especially ripe in Zaire, where Mobutu was known to indulge in more than an occasional little armadillo.
The plurious of wealth was therefore uneven. The rural populous was reduced to tenement farming.
The Boston Tea Party was held at Pearl Harbor.
Americans wanted no involvement in the French and Indian War because they did not want to fight in India.
Moses was told by Jesus Christ to lead the people out of Egypt into the Sahaira Desert. The Book of Exodus describes this trip, including the Ten Commandments, various special effects and the building of the Suez Canal.
Zorroastrologism was founded by Zorro. This was a duelist religion.
During the Dark Ages it was mostly dark.
Christianity was just another mystery cult until Jesus was born. The mother of Jesus was Mary, who was different from other women because of her immaculate contraption.
The fall of empires has been a good thing, because it gives more people a chance to exploit their own people without outside interference.
Roman girls who did not marry could become Vestigal Virgins, a group of women who were dedicated to burning the internal flame.
Machiavelli, who was often unemployed, wrote The Prince to get a job with Richard Nixon.
History is nothing more than the behind of the present.
This gives incites from the anals of the past.
The British Empire is in a state of recline. Its colonies have slowly dribbled away leaving only the odd speck on the map.
Civil rights leader Martin Luther Junior was slain in the 1960s, shortly after making his famous "If I Had A Hammer" speech.
World War II began turning around when the Allies landed near Italy’s toe and gradually advanced up her leg.
Hitler shot himself in the bonker.
When the Davy Jones Index crashed in 1929 many people were left to political incineration. Some, like John Paul Sart, retreated into extraterrestrialism. The New Deal was an idea inspired by Franklin Eleanor Roosavelt.
Satan Husane invaided Kiwi and Sandy Arabia.
Spartacus led a slave rebellion in ancient Rome and then appeared in a movie about it later.
Judyism had one big God named Yahoo.
Martin Luther nailed 95 theocrats to a church door.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, and comedies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet.
Romeo’s last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote.
During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim’s Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress.
Thomas Jefferson and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence.
Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand."
Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility.
Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatest Precedent. Lincoln’s mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands.
Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.
On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth’s career.
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
The Greeks invented three kinds of columns, Corinthian, Doric and Ironic.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.
Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."
Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw.
Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.
Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son’s head.
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible.
Another important invention was the circulation of blood.
Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.
Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.
Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.
Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic.
Bach died from 1750 to the present.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel.
Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.
Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he rote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.
Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis.
Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species.
Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.