The "New" List of Tired Old Clichés:
In Which I: In which I suggest that the "in which I" construction has had it’s 15 minutes. Really. In which it was enough. In which it has been beaten to death. In which it is so tiresome, even mocking it is annoying. I must stop this breathless tirade, however, and MoveOn.
Breathless: Breathless prose, breathless objections, breathless reporting. I don’t know if this is a result of Global Warming, but I think it is high time we get some air back. I’ve had it up to here. Start breathing, ladies and gentlemen. No more breathless … ness. This abused adjective has literally lost all meaning.
Literally: The word literally is literally being drug in the street and shot every five minutes. It has literally been corrupted worse than
William Jefferson (D-La). It has literally gotten up at 11:00 PM, half an hour before it went to bed the night before, ate cold poison for breakfast, licked the highway clean with its tongue, worked 28 hours at mill, and paid the miller for permission to work, and when it got home, its father beat it to death with a broken glass bottle and danced about on its grave. I literally need people to stop using literally as if it literally is the word figuratively or virtually the same as virtually. That is, quite literally, Enough. Of. That.
Single. Word. Sentences.: We. Have. Got. To. Stop. Doing. This. Sure. we. like. doing. it. Yes. I. can. hear. the. emphasis. in. my head. But. for. goodness. sake. literally. everyone. is. doing. it. Talking. thus. is. sure. to. leave. us. breathless. It’s. time. to. quit. while. we. are. ahead. We. don’t. need. period. gate.
Gategate: Watergate. Filegate. Chinagate. Plamegate. Rathergate. Hookergate. Troopergate. Zippergate. Piegate! (That last one was personal. Steal my last piece of pie, you get a gate named after you). Yes, those were single word sentences. Is this literally the only way to explain that something is a scandal anymore? Has it come to this? Tired. Of. It. It’s time to retire the gate suffix. Gate is the new breathless.
New is the new old: 30 is the new 40? Google is the new Microsoft? Unless boring is the new interesting, it’s time to put this out of its misery. Purple is the new pink? Really? Purple. The new pink. The. New. Pink. Really?!?? REALLY???!??!?
Really?: Really? Are you really going to use really? You’re really going to do a bit that Amy Poehler and Seth Meyers literally tied to a pole and lashed to death … Really? Blogs don’t really have to take the fall for this, but, here’s a hint: we really can put a stop to it.
Here’s a Hint: Here’s a hint, shut up! Affected sarcasm and anti-hip hipness are, of course, uber hip. We all do this, but, here’s a hint: when you beat something to death, the affected unhipness is replaced by actual unhipness. Not. Cool. Here’s a hint: Your "snark" is the new "lame".
"Clever" use of quotes: Meh. Let’s face facts. This "cliché" is essentially immortal. It makes our "points" seem "smarter", it’s "subtle" and people "like" it. It’s the "sarcasm", stupid.
It’s the laziness, stupid: This one isn’t used around these parts as much. The kossacks still find it a useful convention but then, kos kids aren’t exactly known for great "conventions". This one needs to be literally destroyed. And yes, I have been ending each of these items with a segue to the next item on the list. Figured that one out all by yourself, did you?
Figured this one out, did you?: The purpose of a phrase like "figured that one out all by yourself, did you" is clear. It’s supposed to be sarcastic and cutting; a biting indication of the target’s Johnny-come-lately status in re whatever topic you’re breathlessly discussing, but here’s a hint: when it is a used-up, washed-out cliché, the bite is gone. Old "sarcasm" is the new embarrassing comment, stupid. At the end of the day, it just doesn’t get it done.
At the end of the day: At the end of this list is the one that grates the most on my nerves. At the end of the day … what? "WHAT?" What at the end of the day? Better yet, why at the end of the day? Do you really want to keep using this? Really?!? Or how about "when it comes right down to it" or "when it’s all said and done" … I’d like to know it was going to stop. At the end of the day. Today.
I plead guilty to some of these, but I admit I get annoyed at the misuse of "literally".