Chuck Norris Facts

Ken AshfordRandom Musings1 Comment

I learned yesterday (from NPR of all places) that reciting facts about Chuck Norris is a teenage fad these days.

So naturally, I had to check it out.  A "Chuck Norris Fact" is a statement showing how bad-ass Chuck Norris is.  Sort of like the "You’re Momma" jokes of the 1990’s.

And now, here, free of charge, are some of my favorite Chuck Norris Facts:

  • If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds ’til." After you ask, "Two seconds ’til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
  • The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’ fist.
  • There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
  • The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
  • When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald’s because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy’s.
  • Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
  • When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.
  • Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
  • On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
  • Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
  • Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
  • When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
  • Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
  • The Bible was originally titled "Chuck Norris and Friends"
  • Chuck Norris’s first job was as a paperboy.  There were no survivors.
  • Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
  • When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.
  • Chuck Norris uses tabasco sauce instead of visine.
  • Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

You get the idea….