For Lakisha and Melinda

RANDY:  "Yo yo yo!  So check it out, yo!  You were da bomb, man!  Am I right?  You brought it, girl.  You rocked the house!"

PAULA:  "You’re a very special performer and a lovely person and that’s why we love you."

SIMON:  "Yeah, I agree with Randy and Paula …shockingly.  And I …would …be …surprised …if …you didn’t make it to the final two spots."

For everybody else

RANDY:  "Yo yo yo.  So check it out, yo.  Um.  Yeah, man, I don’t knoooooow.  You were a little pitchy in there (*sigh*).  Yeah, it just wasn’t working for me, dawg.  I mean, singing [Stevie, Chaka Khan, Mel Torme, whatever] is hard, man, and you’re inviting the comparison.  So — yeah, man.  Sorry.  Just keepin’ it real, dawg."

PAULA:  "You’re a very special performer and a lovely person and that’s why we love you.  And you look great.  But it was kind of — you know?  It — it wasn’t — it just wasn’t — let’s just say that it wasn’t your best performance tonight."

SIMON: "That. Was. Horrific.  [Audience boos].  No, no, it was bad, which is why I’m not exactly jumping out of my chair.  And I kind of understand what Paula and Randy are saying …shockingly.  It was like …it was like bad karaoke performed by someone’s drunken dad during a wedding on a cruise ship.  And if I were to speak honestly, I think you may have cause to worry about being here next week."

(H/T: Podhoretz at The Corner for the inspiration)